Terrified

When I was pregnant with A, I was constantly scared that something could go wrong. her cord would wrap around her neck and I would not know it. That because I could not hold her, could not see her, I would not be able to protect her. I longed for her birth day. If I could just hold her in my arms, I could protect her from everything.

I was so very, very wrong. The world is a scary place when your heart walks outside your body, away from you. And news like this does nothing to assuage my anxiety problems. This family's home was invaded by 2 paroled convicts at 3am. They were held hostage, the father brutally beaten, the mother strangled to death. The house was set on fire with the family inside and both daughters died of smoke inhalation.

The randomness of this crime is what terrifies me. How I wish that it would be discovered that the father had shady dealings, or even that he had hired them to assassinate his family. The deaths would be no less tragic, but the randomness would be removed. There would be a reason this happened to THIS family. I don't think this will be the case though. This was random, indiscriminate violence.

These poor girls, aged 11 and 17. They went to bed Monday night most likely thinking of swimming, mall trips and lazy days with friends. Their quiet, safe life, shattered in the middle of the night. Their lives taken from them after hours of terror. The parents. What horror did they witness? Full of knowledge that they could not save them, could not protect them. What is our job as parents, if not to protect our children from everything?

Home invasion has always been my number 1 fear. I do not fear my death. I do not fear public speaking. I was tested with this fear last fall when I returned home from work to find my house had been burglarized. The sanctuary that my home created was shattered. But I survived. No one was home when it happened, no one was hurt. I had THINGS stolen. Only THINGS. THINGS can be replaced, people cannot. It was random, but it was not violent.

The thought of someone randomly picking my house, the place where I should be safe from the outside world, entering it, while we are home and violently terrorizing my family, though, that fear I don't think I will ever be able to release. The thought that this could happen anywhere to anyone. This could have been my neighbor or a friend. This could have been ME. You can't protect yourself from it. You can't prepare yourself for it, so how do you live with it?

I try my best to not let my fear rule me. It is much more difficult this week.