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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It's ONLY Tuesday???!!

So I don't know what was up with me yesterday, but I was in the most pissed off, rip-roaring HORRIBLE mood. I was tired, I was cranky, I hated the world.

It wasn't pretty, and I started wondering if I really was over my PPD. I had stopped taking my "happy pills" (Lexapro) back in March. I've been well since then, until yesterday.

It was all day that I was bad. Started with me coming very, very close to hysterical crying watching footage of that poor race horse. Then I was soo apathetic all day at work.

Last night was the winner though. Got home and had no desire to cook the chicken breasts we had taken out for supper. I wanted ANYTHING but chicken breast, or more matter of fact, I wanted anything I didn't have to cook. So what did I do, sat on the couch and waited for DH to get home, then proceed to pout and be bitchy.

I decided that a DQ Brownie Blast an apple, would help my mood. Went and looked online, 600 calories in a small DQ Brownie Blast an apple!!!!! Are you shitting me? F' it! I don't care, I need chocolate an apple. SWCAL and I split 1/2 a small. The rest is waiting in the freezer.

And yes, I felt better afterwards.

Today, I'm feeling better. So much so, I'm setting my Lary Bird goal. Tonight, I've got a hot date with a cool treadmill.

Monday, May 22, 2006

How quickly things change

Yesterday started out like any other Sunday. Actually better then most Sundays. I got up, got SWCAL up and dressed and headed to my moms. She was making crepes and then my mom, my sister, SWCAL and I were going to head off to our camp to clean it and get it all set for the long weekend.

We had just finished breakfast and were loading the truck with the freshly laundered linens when I heard the stupid Cozmo jingle. It had been doing that recently. Playing the jingle "dun,dun,dun, dunde, dun dun" for no apparent reason. No codes on the screen, no visible sign of anything wrong.

Next thing I know, I've got the most blood curling, annoying alarm going off on my pump, and a screen that just says "Call for Service". Usher SWCAL out of the room I'm in, shut the door and let the profanity fly. It was amazing how quickly my mood went from light and cheery, D being the last thing on my mind, to full fledged pissed off. Pissed off at D, pissed off that I may not be able to go with them to the camp. Pissed off that I have to rely on some stupid machine just to LIVE. I went to a very bad, very dark, D place quickly and the speed at which I got there scared me.

Better get on the phone with Deltec (at this point the screen was blank, but alarm still piercing away). "Oh, great, Sure I'll wait for a clinician to call me back...", more swearing. Give the answering service my mom's number and my cell phone since I've decided that I don't care if I'm half dead and at 600 this afternoon, I'm GOING WITH THEM GOD DAMMIT!! THIS DISEASE IS NOT HOLDING ME BACK AGAIN!

Slowly, though, I start thinking rationally....WAIT!! I've got that cool, new aDorn pocketbook. I've got insulin on me! And since I'm now on Symlin, I've got syringes too! Just maybe I can actually do this without spending the day feeling like death!!! And for shits and giggles, what happens if I remove the battery and put it back in (at the very least it'll make this stupid alarm stop)....Remove/replace battery and WHAMO! everything's working again! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?? Can I be this lucky?

Clinician calls me back...She sounds like she doesn't have a clue, but tells me that the alarm I experienced (100) sometimes just happens during a big bolus (I had bolused 11units - which is actually pretty normal for me - again with the stupid IR). She said it's usually a 1 time deal, but if it did happen again, to call them back and they'll send out a new one.

I got to thinking then....Um, I bought a new holder on Sat. A really cute pink one to match my pink Red Sox hat I so desperately want. Designed for cell phones, but it fit PERFECTLY. The flap though, closes with a magnet. I'm wondering if that's the culprit. Haven't had any alarms since I stopped using the holder, no more jingles either (learned the jingle is the pump running a self-test).

Guess I'm back to my boring black, plastic clip.
pic is just for color purposes. Couldn't find the actual case I had bought.

Friday, May 19, 2006

ya, I need help

Ok, just re-read my post....I guess my intelligence has also been swept away by the rain (never-ending tedium has a way of doing that!).

"biannual" - ya, um, no....I don't go 2x a yr. I haven't gone in 2 yrs. LOL

"ad nauseom".....geez girl, spell check. Use it, love it!


Gosh, I've been quiet lately! I think the rain has just squashed any and all creativity out of me. I've had 0 ambition lately. Seems like all I do is get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Repeat ad nauseoum.

Did have my annual eye exam on Monday (well for me, it was more of a bi-annual...shame, shame on me!). Thankfully eyes are 100% clear of any D related issues still. I do need glasses though. :( I can't see diddly at night and its getting to be an issue driving. Picked out a pair yesterday. I'm getting old.

Yesterday I also found a memorial blog to a friend of mine from my swimming days. We weren't "hang out after school" friends, but I knew her well enough that her death from cancer touched me and I found it very difficult reading the memorial. It will be 2 yrs ago today that she died. She was 28. Its just not fair. Anyone who knew Casey, even just in passing, HAD to be touched by her energetic, lust for life. She was a ball of energy and she was taken too soon!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Interview Meme

Curtesy Kassie

1) You have $1000 for a 1 hour shopping spree. Where would you go, and what would you buy?
Hmmmmm, $1,000. Well, 1 - I'm an Old Navy junkie for SWCAL, so I'd be there 1st. Ok, that would account for about $100. Then, right now, probably Home Depot or Lowes. I LOVE interior decorating and am DYING to either put hardwood in our tiny livingroom, or tile in our kitchen. We also need a walkway from the drive to the side door. I'm such a practical gal!

2) How would you describe a low in 10 words or less?

Shaky, ravenous, sweaty, moody, sinking feeling in my legs

3) Where would you most like to visit? Definitely Australia. Wanted to go on our honeymoon, but didn't have enough time off (went to Alaska instead). After that, I'd LOVE to cruise the Greek Islands and visit England.

4) If you had 2 uninterrupted minutes to speak with the President, what would you say? I have no idea. I'd probably get too flustered to even start, but I'd want to grill him on stem cell research.

5) You're in charge at Ben & Jerry's for the day: what flavor ice cream do you invent?Gobs of Goodness - Mint Ice Cream (white please, no funky green color), with mini M&M's, brownie chunks and fudge sauce swirled through.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Lost and Scared

I've mentioned before about unintentionally spending the night on a mountain, and for some reason, today I feel compelled to tell that story.

I was 12 years old and was out with my cousin (who's really more like my older sister). That evening she had called my mom to see if she could take me "for a walk" after supper. It was Sunday, April 30th, 1989. It was a glorious afternoon. One of those really warm days that lets you know you are now closer to summer then winter. I fought with my mom about taking a jacket as I walked out the door to meet my cousin. I never said goodbye.

My cousin and I spent a while just driving around trying to decide where to go on our walk. We finally decided to drive to the Summit House on Skinner Mountain and just walk around up there. As we pulled into the drive, we met the caretaker of the House. He was closing the gate for the evening. We had a nice, pretty substantial chat with him, complete with him saying "We could spend the night on the mountain, for all he cared!" (how prophetic those words would come to be!). We decided to pull the car around to a rest area and take a trail up.

Another argument ensued with my cousin regarding my coat. She won, I took it with me.

We made it to the top of the mountain without any problem. It was glorious up there. The trees were starting to bloom and everything just screamed SPRING IS HERE!. Knowing that our daylight time was limited we headed back down the trail. Somewhere, things went VERY wrong.

(from this point forward is my recollation of the events, accurate or not, its how I remember it happening)

We were probably 1/2 way down the mountain, when we suddenly couldn't find ANY markers showing us where to go next. Standing in that little gully, I could feel my throat tighten and panic start to rise. Then suddenly, I found it! Up at the top of that hill, that's a marker, right? Up we went. It was a marker, all right, just this one was white, not yellow. Oh, well. Its a trail and that was what we desperately needed at that moment. Unfortunately, our next mistake was about to be made.

We followed the marker for what seemed like ages as darkness ever so slowly encroached on us. "L, shouldn't we be at the car now?" I asked nervously. She offered some sort of reassuring answer, trying to quell her own fears. We continued walking.

As it got darker, things got scarier. I slipped, skidding down a hill and cried. L did her best to reassure me that we were fine. Got back up and carried on following the trail. Then L slipped and completely lost it. I was thrust into the position of reassuring her. "We're on a trail, right? It has to lead somewhere! Sooner or later, we'll come across Route 47 or 116 or something. We just have too right?"

Somehow, we managed to push on. The walking got more and more difficult, though. The trail itself got more dangerous and it was very obviously dark now. We found a spot and decided to stop. We made an agreement, that as soon as there was enough daylight to read L's watch, we'd follow the trail back in the direction we had just come.

The spot we choose, I believe, helped to keep me calm during that night. It was at the top of a cliff, at some sort of an overhang. I could see street lights and house lights below me and the stars above me. I KNOW I wouldn't have fared as well if all I saw was darkness and trees.

I thank God everyday that my mom and L both made me carry that jacket. While it might have been in the 70°'s that morning, it was now in the 30°'s and misting. IT WAS FREEZING. We layed L's winter coat on the ground to lay on, then each put 1 arm through my coat, so that we were back to back with the jacket stretched between us. Every once in a while, we would get up and do jumping jacks or sing funny toddler songs that have movement (Gray Squirrel or Little Teapot), just to keep the blood flowing. Eventually, the feeling in my feet was comepletely gone. I had no balance so we stopped getting up. I layed there shaking so hard from the cold, that it literally hurt. I would have to brace myself as hard as I could to stop shaking for a moment. I've never been that cold in my life and pray that I never will again.

Back Home - as told to me by my sister and mother
My sister, the worrier, began to do what she does best as darkness fell. "Mom, shouldn't Sarah be back now?". My mom, growing a little concerned, would blow her off. I was with L. L is responsible and ALWAYS had me back at the time my mom specified. As it grew later and later, my mom and sister grew more and more concerned. Mom called her sister. "Is L and Sarah there?". "No, I thought they were with you!". It was 10pm. The panick had started. Mom called the local police station, who blew her off. To them we were either out partying or were runaways. Mom called again and again. She FINALLY got a cop that she happened to go to High School with. She got him to believe that we DID NOT runaway (and seriously, what 21 yr old would runaway with a 12 yr old?).

There was a major problem though. No one knew were we had gone! Mom gave the cops all the places we might have gone. That list streched from Quabbin Reservoir to Goshen, MA. Not exactly a small search area. The surrounding cities were notified. A car matching L's was found in Orange, MA abandoned. Wasted time, verifing that it wasn't hers.

They finally found her car, where we had left it. My mom and L's mom drove frantically in 1 car, with my Dad and L's in another. Pictures of us were handed over along with articles of clothing for the search dogs. Our fathers stayed at the site, to help with the search. The car was taped off. L's pocketbook was still in the backseat, but the doors were unlocked. The cops were afraid that we had been forciably removed from the car.

Screams were suddenly heard, and everything got deathly serious. Guns were drawn and our fathers were ordered into a cruiser. Thankfully, what was thought to be screams, turned out to the sheep on the farm where we had parked.

Search parties were formed. The caretaker was called out of his sleep to join the police at the mountain. NOT ONCE did this man tell police that he had spoken to us. NOT.ONCE.

Back on the mountain
Being a TV junkie that I am, I was convinced that no one was looking for us. Every Cop show you see says "Call us when they're missing for 24 hrs". We were alone on this mountain and we would have to save ourself. I kept asking L if she could read her watch. I must've asked 1,000 times. I was cold, I was tired, I was hurt, but most of all, I was really, REALLY scared and I really, REALLY wanted to see my parents.

At one point, something big, something wild walked near us. We both held our breath, braced ourselves and prayed for it to go away. Neither of us was brave enough to open our eyes and see what it was.

At one point, I swore I heard my father shout my name. I wanted desperately to yell back "I'm here!!! I'm here!!!!". L said I was hullicinating.
I just might have actually heard him. I learned later that they allowed our fathers to go to the top of the mountain where the Summit House was, and my dad was yelling for me with a loud speaker. It would have been pointless for me to yell back though. We were miles from where they were, and his voice, combined with the loudspeaker were probably just enough to catch the right gust of wind and carry to me.

It was the longest night of my life. I can't believe how long darkness can last when all you want is so desperately to see light. Laying there in the dark, I was helpless and L.O.S.T. At least when daylight broke, I could pretend that I wasn't lost, just out on a hike on a lovely yellow marked trail.

It was our parents longest night too. My mom's family are all hunters and woodsmen. It was taking everything she had (and her sister) not to call them all and get them on the mountain looking for us. The last thing the police wanted was to lose other people in the dark, so they were refusing help until daybreak. At daybreak though, every single one of our Uncles were at that mountain ready to go.

When we could finally see her watch (it was only symantics that we couldn't exactly tell actual time with it), we got up to go. My feet felt as if they were 3 times longer and 2 times wider then normal. I found it difficult to balance, nevermind walk, but there was NO WAY I was going to stay at that spot any longer. We started following the path back. We were amazed and terrified at what we had climbed in the dark. Trails that were inches wide straddling cliffs with falls that were not survivable. There were a few times I really wasn't sure I could make it back across what we had done during the night.

We walked for probably a little over an hour, when I noticed a guy in the woods. He was wearing a black T-shirt with jeans. He scared me (remember, I'm under the belief that no one is looking for us beyond our parents). He starts yelling "Hey!!! Hey You!". I beg L not to answer him. "If he was looking for us, he'd be saying our names!!".... "Hey!! Stop! Hey! Are you Sarah and L?".....I swear the Heavens opened up and I heard angles singing. "YES!!" As he got closer, I realized his T-Shirt said SHPD (South Hadley PD). We were found! We were safe and we were 50 feet from a road, and road that we had searched for for so long. A cruiser came and picked us up and brought us to our fathers. As we were making our way back to L's car, I saw one of my uncles doing close to 90mph racing up to the top of the mountain. The cops joked that as any other time, that would be the sweetest ticket ever!

We meet our dad's at the base of the mountain where L's car was (we were found MILES away from that area). I was never so happy to see my dad. The tears started then and didn't stop for quite a while. The 90mph uncle came back down. He had thought to bring food, water and blankets. I didn't realize until then how thirsty I really was. We were bundled up while High 5's were flying all around us.

One of the cops informed us that news vans were on the way and let us get out of there before they showed up. We stopped at the 1st pay phone we could find so that we could talk to our moms. I don't even remember what I said. Probably didn't get anything out beyond "Mom?"

Back at home, EVERYONE was in the kitchen. EVERYONE had called into to work to help find us / support our moms. It was supposed to be my mother's 1st day at her new job. (How's that for an excuse!). Things settled down and people started leaving. I remember crying "Do I HAVE to go to school today?". I didn't. I even got to sleep in my parents bed, so that I could watch some tv too. I don't remember watching much of anything, I was so exhausted.

The phone rang that whole day - reporters looking for interviews, friends and relatives. My parents handled them all. I didn't want to talk about it. That night I went to my softball game. I was a celebrity there. I had been on every newscast. Even the opposing team was wondering if I was there. I only played 2 innings though. I was a catcher and it was just too draining.

School the next day was just as difficult. Every teacher (expect 1 glorious one) wanted me to stand infront of the class and tell my story. The school even held a seminar about "What to do if you got lost". I was asked by just about EVERYONE, "why we didn't you just take the trail that went DOWN?" We would've loved too! Turns out the trail we were on travels the mountain top. Its part of the Mohawk Trail, and we were apparently heading to New York.

I've never been back to that trail, or the Summit House. L has, trying to retrace where we went wrong. The trail was re-marked the week after. They're guessing we got lost at a part where a recently fallen tree had been marked. I've been on trails since (GPS and marking the coordinates of our car is helpful), but everytime, I still get a tightness in my throat and an overwhelming desire to just stay in the car.

Monday, May 08, 2006

18 Months

You turned 18 months last Tuesday and unfortunately you haven't been the happiest camper. This past week, you've been clingy, and whiney, and cry-y and just downright miserable. I can't blame you though. You've had to have bloodwork done 2x because the stupid lab screwed a part of it up (and let me tell you, it broke my heart when you put your arm out and pointed to where they were going to jab you), you've had shots, you've got fluid in your ears again which means the ear infection gods are just toying with us right now....AND you're cutting your 2 yr molars which are apparently taking their sweet old time and want us all to die a firey death before they break through...

On other notes, though...Your vocab is amazing and it seems to explode on an almost daily basis. Auntie Melissa taught you to oink like a pig, which is just the cutest thing since your "oinks" sound like a reverse snore (you're exhaling, instead of inhaling). I'm gonna have to get a recording of it to share with the world. You can also make doggy noises, owl noises, cow noises and cat noises (when I remind you that they go "meow"). You can identify your nose, eyes, ears, teeth, belly and belly-button. You LOVE doing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider".

Grampy bought you a climber slide and you think mommy and daddy are cruel people for not letting you play outside 24/7. You love opening the door, climbing up on to the platform and pushing yourself down the slide.

We celebrated Easter this month too and you were in love with the little puppy that was at Memere's. You followed him around EVERYWHERE and were so gentle with him. Made me want to get you one, until I remembered that I don't want another thing that poops, pees and needs to be feed on a daily basis!

Uncle Jeff seems to be turning into your favoritest person in the whole wide world. He stopped over for a few minutes the other day, and you had the most despondent look on your face when he left. It was almost as if you were too sad to even say "BUH-bye!". Your parents, on the other hand, you seem to keep us around, only for the occasional "Scooby Snack" and helicopter spin around the livingroom (which only daddy gives you since they scare the crap out of me every single time he does it!).

We are counting our blessings at the moment since you are still a great sleeper. So much so that when we ask you "Is it time for Night-Nights?", you actually say "yef!", grab "bankie" and yell "up!" so that you can get over the gate and start climbing the stairs to your room.

And you still don't say "no". At all, not once!

Saturday, May 06, 2006


So I got my copy of When You're a Parent with Diabetes by Kassie Friday afternoon. Finished the book that night. All I can say is BRAVO Kassie!!!

I loved it! It's a quick, easy read (and honestly when you're a parent - nevermind one with D, who has time to read?), her "voice" really shines through (some days, I swear Kassie is my long lost sister!), and I love that its written by someone who lives with these challenges day in and day out, instead of some pushy MD that really has no clue what daily life is like. And hey, "knowing" the author and over 95% of the people quoted in the book is really, REALLY cool!!!

Of course the first thing I did was flip through, to find myself, LOL, and was quickly pulling out names! Even DH recognized some of the people.

Anyway, Kassie, I think you did an AMAZING job!! The book is great and should be a vaulable resource for all parents with diabetes!!!! I give it 5 stars out of 5!!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Symlin - Take One

So I had an endo appt today and we've decided that I'm going to add Symlin. I was a little concerned. I mean, really, it seems like a giant step backwards in D care...I have to use NEEDLES again. Shots and a pump? What madness is this?

Can I just say that I AM LOVING SYMLIN!

Granted, I've only talken 1 dose, but that dose was with PIZZA!! I was a little afraid when I dialed in my bolus and the screen said "Deliver 7.0 units?"....Um, ok, but that's SOOOOOOO not gonna cover this pizza (remember I've got serious IR problems!)...

Pre-Supper - 76
1 hr Post Supper - 96
2 hrs post Supper 126


Oh, ya, and I was FULL on 3 slices. Should've only had 2, but my brain was just like "no way, 2 slices of pizza, is just not enough".

Lancet, Lancet, Who's got the Lancet?

So the "new and improved, reborn D" Sarah, has been leaving her testing supplies out, so that I see them, and actually remember to test. This has been quite successful, until last night.

I started running low around 7pm last night. Felt shaky in the shower (which is never fun!). Got out, had some frosted mini wheats and obviously ate more then 15g. Left testing supplies on table to remember to test after Lost to make sure I'm not flying high.

Finish watching a kick-@ss episode of Lost, go to table...Meter - Check!, Test strips - Check!, Lancet - lancet?, lancet?, lancet?? Ah, crap, where the hell's the lancet. Start searching the kitchen, blaming the cats. Searched under the fridge, under the stove, in all crevices...everywhere. Swearing now starts and DH gets called downstairs to help.

How in the hell did the cats play with my lancet without me hearing the tell-tale sounds of it being batted around the kitchen? Hmmm, WAIT A MINUTE!!! There's a much sneakier, much quieter criminal in the house! Ok, if I was 18 months old, where would I put a lancet? Trash? Probably. - Dig threw, EWWWWW, no lancet
Toy box? - Even closer, but no go....

Where did I find my lancet finally? In her Muppets lunchbox. Of course! If she was awake she would've looked at me like I was nuts not to look there first.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Couldn't Help Myself

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

This is SOOOOOOOO my mood right now!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Meme stolen from Julia

Accent: I don't think I have one. Unless you count saying wicked an accent. Gotta love Western MA.

Booze: No thanks. LOL Not a big drinker and if I do, it best taste like Kool-Aide. I'm a cheap date, lucky if I finish 1 drink.

Chore I Hate: All of them. Bathrooms the most (which is why none of you will ever see them!)

Dog or Cat: Cats - 3 of them. The Princess, The Pet Slut, and The Pee'er.

Essential Electronics: Computer. Came real, REAL close to buying a new laptop this weekend. F*&&%^ formatting a laptop!!

Favorite Perfume: NONE. All give me horrible migranes.

Gold or Silver: silver

Hometown: Holyoke, Massachusetts

Insomnia: All...The...Time...

Job Title: Sr. Operations Analyst (oh ya, and Mom and Official Nose Wiper).

Kids: One

Living arrangements: House that I own with DH, SWCAL and the Cats.

Most admirable traits: Very loyal

Number of sexual partners: One

Overnight hospital stays: 2 - 1 week when Dx'd in 93 for 5 nights and then for my C with Ally in 2004 for 4 nights.

Phobias: #1 - Failure, #2 - Someone breaking into the house while I'm home, #3 - Spiders

Quote: I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George Carlin

Religion: Really not sure. I believe in God and being a good person, but beyond that most religions tick me off.

One sister.

Time I wake up: 6 a.m. during the week, around 7 on Saturdays, and 8 or 9 on Sunday's (DH's morning to get up with SWCAL).

Unusual talent or skill: I really don't know.

Vegetables I love:
I pretty much like them all.

Worst habit: Stemming back from when I was PAINFULLY shy, I have a nasty habit of mouthing what I just said to make sure I said it right - long story involving a friend who called anything I said "stupid". I don't do it very often any more (noticably), but if I'm really uncomfortable, it'll slip out.

Lots and lots on my back (lumbardosis as a kid, treated at Shiners with back brace), shoulder - dislocated, knee - 3x and an MRI, dislocated 3 times, multiple sprained ankles...LOL I'm a walking disaster.

Yummy foods I make: Just about any baked good. LOVE decorating cakes, hate cleaning up afterward.

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius