This time I even had something to look forward too. We had a plan and a destination. I was meeting up with some other mom's from a forum I help admin. I was even going to finally meet Major Bedhead (who lives less than 5 minutes from me, and yet we had never met!)
Julia picked us up and off we went. We had an amazing time at the spray park. It really is a gorgeous park. The kids were great, everyone had a blast and the ride home was blissful with a van full of sleeping kids and Julia and I just gabbing away.
The kerflumped-ness? Well that occurred yesterday. At work, out of the blue I found myself almost in tears, dangerously close to tears, tears that would totally betray my bad-ass, bitchy, get it done attitude that has served me well working with so many men. I couldn't figure it out. What the hell prompted it? It had me scratching my head (and reaching for a tissue to blot the wetness collecting around my eyes).
It took me awhile, but it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not a stay at home mom and sometimes it kills me. I'm not even sure I could do the SAHM thing, but I sure as hell wish the option was available.
Looking at the pictures from the day at the park made me mentally do a little
"One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong".I was the only working mom. The one who doesn't even know where all parks are, great or not. The one who's kid goes to the park every day, but with someone else.
I feel like I'm never there for Ally. I come home from work so completely annoyed that its all I can do not to yell at her for no reason. I lose my temper before we even get home. Daycare is less then 2 minutes from my house. I need to learn to disconnect as soon as I leave work. I need to learn to use her play time with me as my means of relaxation. But right now I can't. I come home and just want to be alone.
And that makes me cry.