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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Feeling Kerflumped

I had Monday off. Daycare was closed. Usually a day off does me good. Gives me a minute to detach from work and relax and Monday should have been no different.

This time I even had something to look forward too. We had a plan and a destination. I was meeting up with some other mom's from a forum I help admin. I was even going to finally meet Major Bedhead (who lives less than 5 minutes from me, and yet we had never met!)

Julia picked us up and off we went. We had an amazing time at the spray park. It really is a gorgeous park. The kids were great, everyone had a blast and the ride home was blissful with a van full of sleeping kids and Julia and I just gabbing away.

Ally-sprinkler (by floreksa)

The kerflumped-ness? Well that occurred yesterday. At work, out of the blue I found myself almost in tears, dangerously close to tears, tears that would totally betray my bad-ass, bitchy, get it done attitude that has served me well working with so many men. I couldn't figure it out. What the hell prompted it? It had me scratching my head (and reaching for a tissue to blot the wetness collecting around my eyes).

It took me awhile, but it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not a stay at home mom and sometimes it kills me. I'm not even sure I could do the SAHM thing, but I sure as hell wish the option was available.

Looking at the pictures from the day at the park made me mentally do a little
"One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong".
I was the only working mom. The one who doesn't even know where all parks are, great or not. The one who's kid goes to the park every day, but with someone else.

I feel like I'm never there for Ally. I come home from work so completely annoyed that its all I can do not to yell at her for no reason. I lose my temper before we even get home. Daycare is less then 2 minutes from my house. I need to learn to disconnect as soon as I leave work. I need to learn to use her play time with me as my means of relaxation. But right now I can't. I come home and just want to be alone.

And that makes me cry.


Amanda said...

I can't tell you enough how I will someday be in your shoes and want to stay home but I know too it will be impossible. All I can tell you is this, you are a wonderful mother. You have an awesome daughter who loves you very much.

Its ok to feel frustrated, tired and annoyed...that's life. But you will find your rhythm and when you do, who cares about those mothers who knows all the parks. I'm sure some of them want to be in your shoes, being able to go off to work and have time away.

KellyABean said...

Big hugs hon. I think it's a normal thing for a parent - SAHM or Working Mom - to take parenting for granted I do the same thing. Not to mention you've got the "FRENCH GUILT" going for you... it's a lethal combination. For what it's worth, I think you're an amazing mom.r

The Flower Maiden said...

I just wanted to give you a big hug! I think both working moms and SAHM's feel the same feelings your going through right now. The only thing that matters is that Ally knows that you love her and she loves you. You're a great mommy and you'll find a way to make it work. Oh and for the record, I don't think it's possible to really relax and unwind with a toddler in the vacinity . . . :)

Stacey (aka EnglishRose)

Suzie said...

Ive felt that way too. I love my kids but I don't think I could handle staying at home. Sometimes the weekend overwelms me. I love my kids and I love being a mom but I also love getting away although they do go to work with me I run the daycare. All moms are different none are better than others we need to give ourselves a break.

Lisa said...

Aww...try not to be so hard on yourself! I know that you are a wonderful mom. It's hard to find the right balance!

Major Bedhead said...

Could you sit in your car for five minutes and decompress to some music or something, before going to get Ally? It might help a bit.

I think we all want what we don't have sometimes. I often long to go back to work, just to get some time away, out of the house, but daycare for 2 kids is beyond whatever I could make working full time.