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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Angry

I took my diagnosis in stride for the sake of my family, never allowing them to see me cry, even if I still wonder if it was all my fault. I had never allowed myself to fully express the anger I have about diabetes. How unfair life can be. Why I had to be the one with it. How much I hate testing, hate the days where my blood sugar is high, my mind a fog and all I want to do is go to sleep. Angry when my life is interrupted because this thing is beeping at me, telling me its time to test, time to change a battery, time to refill the insulin if I want to live for another 3 days. Angry, that I have to be attached to a machine like RoboGirl (even though I wouldn't give up my mechanical pancreas for all the Lantus in the world.)

Angry because my disease interfers not just with my life, but those around me. Times when sites have failed and I have insulin, but no needle with me and now we have to stop what we were doing and go home. Moments when my sugar plummets and locating anything with sugar is now priority #1. When my moods are dictated by what the stupid numbers on a meter say and how my mouth will lash out at those I love most when those numbers are high.

3 years ago I found a group of pregnant women with T1. I couldn't believe that there were so many people out there dealing with the same issues, same anger. I wanted to meet each and everyone (and did meet a bunch , including Kassie!) and suddenly I felt better about this disease, less alone. I could voice my anger and there were people who actually understood. People who wouldn't roll their eyes and say "your sugar must be high" when I voiced any negativity.

Then one year ago, this month, I started this blog, not knowing that there was a whole D Community out there (thanks again Kassie!). My days were suddenly filled with people who understood this whole "life". I didn't have to wait for an email to arrive. I could surf around and read and understand the daily struggles of everyone out there. Without you all, I'd still be hiding the anger of my disease, keeping it shoved beneath the surface, boiling. I'd still be alone and silently scared. I realize now, even though it truly is a small world, its nice to belong somewhere and I'm suddenly less angry.

I can live with this AND enjoy life, because you do.

I can do whatever I want, because you have.

Diabetes won't limit me, because you refuse to let it limit you.

and

I can be angry when I need to be, because you are always there, to listen, to understand and to let me be angry.

9 comments:

Kerri. said...

I feel the same way, Sarah. The whole community makes me feel so much more normal whenever The D rears it's ugly head and makes me feel like a crumb.

Anger is normal. So is everything else we feel from time to time. You are doing a remarkable job and I'm proud to be on this journey beside you, cheering you on along the way.

Kassie said...

wonderful post, Sarah. I'm proud to know you!

Sandra Miller said...

Maybe it's because I've read so many amazing posts today -- or maybe it's that your wonderful post struck a chord in a big way-- but this entry brought me to tears.

art-sweet said...

ROCK ON SARAH!

Anonymous said...

The community aspect of diabetes definitely makes it more bearable.

julia said...

Great post, Sarah. Diabetes makes me angry, too, but in a totally different way than it makes you, I'm sure. It angers me that I can walk away from it but O can't.

Even though I don't discuss diabetes that often on my blog, I'm so glad that I'm a part of this community. The support is incredible, no matter what I'm writing about.

Ok, now I'm starting to vere into a Budweiser commercial. ("I love you guys.")

Chrissie in Belgium said...

Yes, it is so nice to have a place where we can be REALLY ANGRY and know that others will understand....Then we can pick up where we left off, shove the remaining anger in a closet and plaster the smile backon to our face. Venting helps a whole lot! Thanks everyone for the OC web!

Scott K. Johnson said...

Great post Sarah. I'm very in touch with all of it - well, I guess not the pregnancy stuff, but you know what I mean...

:-)

The Patients Voice said...

Hi

We have just launched a test version of a new site which you might find of interest

Please go to

http://www.icarecafe.com/?page_id=4&cat_id=2&thread_id=1&post_type=5&group_id=2

Thanks

Belinda