Infrared

So I received my shiny, new updated Cozmo pump last night. Grabbed the laptop, and proceed to swear A LOT.

1) CD tray which opens up whenever the hell it feels like it, possessed by unseen forces, open, close, open, close, open, close...REFUSED to open. Downright nasty about it. Rebooted 2x and had to use the special tool (aka paper clip) to force it open.

2) Computer then refused to recognize that there was now a disk in the drive. For 25 minutes. ya, fun. Then decided that what I had really wanted to do was invisibly launch the installer, over and over and over again. It was kind enough to tell me that I could only run one instance of the installer approximately a bazillion times. One.after.the.other.

3) Computer now toying with me. Mocking me. Dangerously tempting me to chuck it out the window. "Infrared port on the front? You want to use THAT? You're shitting me right? You can't use that? THAT'S only for the optional remote control!"...Cause ya, I need a remote to watch a movie on a freakin laptop.

My IR port, purchased specifically for this task of communicating my pump with my computer...That folks, is of course in storage. Not 1 but 2. Yes, I have 2 IR ports, BOTH.IN.STORAGE.

I'm pretty sure it was DH's love for me, but can't rule out his love of the laptop, which prompted him to get in the car, drive to storage (which I am told is probably the scariest place on earth after dark) and retrieve a port from me.

Total time I estimated would be required to program and "go live" with new pump : 1/2 hour, TOPS.

Actual total time required to "go live" : closer to 3.

Amtrack should rot in hell

You've got to be shitting me?!?! In what right mind is it ok to drop ANYBODY off in the middle of nowhere???!?! ESPECIALLY if you think they are drunk. These people should be killed. Seriously. I have no pity what-so-ever. What asses. I'm so angry right now, I know I'm not coherent....

Police: Diabetic Man Missing After Being Kicked Off Train

PHOENIX -- A 65-year-old St. Louis man is missing after Amtrak personnel, mistaking his diabetic shock for drunk and disorderly behavior, kicked him off a train in the middle of a national forest, according to police in Williams, Ariz.

# SURVEY: Did Amtrak Do The Right Thing?

Police said Roosevelt Sims was headed to Los Angeles but was asked to leave the train shortly before 10 p.m. Sunday at a railroad crossing five miles outside Williams.
Click here to find out more!

"He was let off in the middle of a national forest, which is about 800,000 acres of beautiful pine trees," Lt. Mike Graham said.

Police said there is no train station or running water at the crossing, which is about two miles from the nearest road, at an elevation of about 8,000 feet.

Amtrak personnel told police dispatchers that Sims was drunk and unruly.

The Sims family said Sims is diabetic and was going into shock.

Sims' brother, Brian Mason, said his family tried to call Sims on his cell phone that night, but Sims was incoherent.

When officers arrived at the crossing, police said, Sims ran into the woods, leaving his luggage and medication behind.

Cell phone records show that Sims' phone was last used in Litchfield Park, Ariz., 180 miles from Williams.

Williams police told CBS 5 that Amtrak has used the abandoned crossing as a drop-off site in the past. Graham said that whether drunk or not, no one should be dropped off there.

"You don't put anyone off in an area like that," Graham said.

Amtrak said the company is looking into the matter.

"I just want to find him," Mason said. "I'm not mad at anybody."

"I want to find a way to make sure he's OK," Mason added.

"Our thoughts and prayers are that there's no way he's out there in those woods," Graham said.

Hello!! Mr. Brown

I have never, EVER been so happy to see the brown UPS truck in my driveway, then I am right now. FINALLY, my quicksets are here. Its been a rough couple days in my neck of the woods.

I've been surviving off of soft-sets. It hasn't been pretty. I've cried, I've sworn, I considered going back to shots. I even broke down and used a comfort set. *shudder*

Friday I put in my last soft-set. UPS tracking software promised me a delivery by Monday. 3 whole days, this set had to last, 3 WHOLE days. 3 hot days, 3 sweaty nights. This wasn't promising. Saturday was great, not an issue in sight. Sunday, mmmmmm, not so much. Sugars creeping up, by Sunday night I was running a temp basal to account for the impaired absorption. Today...Total anarchy. 279, 303, 182, 367. Rage boluses shots galore. Swearing, bitching and oh ya a constantly buzzing pump to tell me its empty.

"HELLO, YES I RECOGNIZE YOUR EMPTY, I'VE SAID "OK" FORTY BAZILLION TIMES NOW. I GET IT, YOU'RE EMPTY"


But now, oh heavenly UPS, I'm in the quickset way again!! I was so excited to get a new set started, there was no countdown, now serter phobia. That sucker get shoved in without thought. Fastest site change I've ever done, hands down.

A Change of Heart

I was a sof-set girl. For 6 years I was a sof-set girl. When we switched insurance back in December 2005, I decided to take a leap of faith and start using quick-sets.

I wasn't entirely found of them. I believe I cursed them, here and here. It took forever to get used to them. I liked the security of covering close to .75 sq/ft of skin in IV3000.

I've been a quickset girl for a year now. Until I got lazy, that is. I let my prescription and authorization slide on the quicksets. I waited until I used my last one before reordering. Now I'm stuck in limbo waiting for the stars to align and my refill to come through.

I'm using my sof-set stash and I.HATE.THEM. I've had 2 "fall out" so far. With all the IV3000, though, I haven't noticed until my teeth pulled on sweaters (yes I'm admitting my testing resolve has gone out the door). Today, I got the joy of inserting a comfort set again in the bathroom at work. Always makes for a great day.

Oh when, oh when will my quicksets come back?

CGMS

I want one. NOW! I don't know which though. I'm fairly positive I could present myself as a "test" case for the insurance (and that they love DH enough to let me...but you never know).

Anywhoo. I want one, but I have no idea which one. I don't have any cozy feelings with MiniMed, but if that's the best, I'd push for it. I've heard good things about DexCom, but also that their PC software sucks the big one. Abbott is a crap shoot as its still awaiting approval - AND it needs FreeStyle strips which are a 3rd tier drug for me.

I'm so confused. So if you've got a CGMS, sell me on your brand. If you hate it, tell me that too. If you think CGMS is a waste altogether, bring it on! LOL I need the good, the bad and the ugly.

Is my UltraSmart dying?

So we all know I was 523 last night (yikes!). I raged bolused like no ones business. Seriously, I took enough to kill some people, 45 units, broken into 2 different shots.

1 hour later my UltraSmart read 532. WTF?!!!!!!!!!!

I test again - 437

I test again - 402

Within 1 minute my meter ranged over 103 points. Technically, I believe that that is still within the 20% range (or just slightly higher), but honestly, what if I took the 532 at face value, assumed my insulin was bad, switched out and injected MORE insulin?

As it was I was 142 2 hours later, and 46 2 hours after that. I shudder to think what would have happened if the little voice in my head hadn't said "NO WAY man, test again, NO WAY did you go UP."

Its also really beginning to bother me that I've had 2 RIDICULOUS highs in the past 2 weeks and I didn't feel that sick with them. I was fine. Oh sure my mouth was drier then a desert, but I wasn't the "holy crap, I'm dying of the flu" sick that I normally am.

Ugh.

I really think I'm going to push for a CGMS. I'm hopefully that I can get it pushed through insurance (its nice having a good "in" with them).

What me, stress??

Grampa still in hospital...

Possibility that my cousin has a cancerous tumor in her leg that the local Drs won't touch with a 10ft pool, so she has to wait until later this week to see a Dr in Boston...

2 yr old another possible ear infection + really mucousy, wet cough. Thoughts of the pneumonia that is spreading like wildfire through the kids around here...

Dishwasher full of water. Water not leaving. FIL coming over tomorrow to look. Possibilities - clogged hose (doubtful, we already looked). Crapped out solenoid which opens the drain (sounding like the winner), something else?...Chance of FIL trying to fix solenoid of dishwasher that is louder then an F-7, instead of just letting us buy a damn new one that will be QUIET - close to 100%

Dishes covering ever square inch of the kitchen because of said water issue.

Me, I'm feeling a tad frayed, a little buzzy, slightly fuzzy. Wait, crap, I better test.

534

I can't catch a freaking break.

I.WANT.A.DEXCOM

Cozmo Upgrade

I'd been wondering where the "letter" that I was going to get about Cozmo upgrade was. So I went to their webpage to chat with a Rep. They actually have an online form setup to request the upgrade.

As a public service ;) Here it is

http://www.cozmore.com/default.cfm?PID=1.45

Why Today?

Today started off fine. Heck I didn't even mind coming into to work. Get here and WOW do I have to pee. Hmm, that's weird I can normally go pretty much all day without visiting the ladies room. 1 hour later for a return trip.

Something's up. I can't be high though. No cotton mouth, no sweater-y teeth, no brain fog. I feel just fine.

442 - HoOOOoooo-ly SHIT!

Take a massive rage bolus injection. 1 site could not handle what I just separated into 3 jabs.

Well that was uncalled for. Trip back to the ladies room to look at site. Site that is now almost 100% out AND bleeding like a sieve. Lovely.

Back to desk, retrieve last Comfort set from desk and begin the non-unto awkward task of putting in a site at work, a Comfort no less, with its big scary needle that I'm suppose to somehow just poke into me, like its nothing. Have you seen the size of that needle? Really, have you?!?! And its not like you can just not look and jab away because it has to go in at a 45 degree angle and seriously how do you judge 45 degrees when you're looking down and using your thigh?

What happens? You ask...The sticky part in the back is almost 100% stuck to itself, so the only thing holding it down at the moment is the front part and a wee little corner in the back.

I'm not...I'm not....I'm not...Crap, don't you just hate it when your grasp of the English language suddenly flies out the door. Seriously, I can't think of the word I want. I'm not optimistic(YAY!) that its gonna hold.

Ok, I guess I do have a bit of brain fog, and ya, teeth are pulling on a sweater as we speak. Would also explain the nice dry cough I've got going on suddenly.

Off to down one of the 5 gallon water jugs.

WTF

There are seriously days when I wonder why I work where I work. Ok most days I wonder that, but this past week....Geez

Monday, I had the day from hell.
* A woke up sick. I drugged her and sent her off to daycare, being the caring mother that I am who is also out of paid time off. I get 2 weeks vacation and 4 personal days. I've worked here, full time, since 1999. 7.5 yrs and I still only have 2 weeks vacation!
* I realized AFTER I got to work, that my pump was just about bone dry and the bottle of insulin in my pocketbook was even drier. Driving home at lunch took my entire lunch, so I skipped lunch.
* I had the mother of headaches brewing (got another one today, I swear its this place!)
* and the piece de resistance - got to work and there was.no.heat. Zip, zero, zilch. Somehow the utility had screwed up our gas line. It was absolutely freezing. Did we go home? NOooooooooooOOOOOOOoooo, I was handed a small, portable heater and told not to put it on high. The scary thing. NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL 9am! We froze our asses off for over an hour (technically longer since some people come in for 6am) before people began to notice that it was NOTICEABLY colder then normal.

Somehow my boss thinks its perfectly normal to see people wearing their coats, INDOORS, while working. This has been my only "real" job out of college, so I don't know. Is this normal? Every morning I come in and promptly put on my big fleece coat and wear it. ALL.DAY.LONG. It doesn't come off until its time to go home.

I'm NOT a tiny person. I've got fat on my fat, so there's plenty insulation on me. Its just constantly freezing here. We play the thermostat game. One of us bumps up the setting, then we all take bets as to when "the man" sets it back down. I've even ask him for "another coal for the fire, sir?" He laughs.

Its not funny.

No Time, Must Bullet

Its been forever and a day since I last posted. Sorry for the drive-by bullet post..

• My nephew is here!!!!!!!!! He was born on Thanksgiving day and my sister went through hell and back to have him, but he's gorgeous and they're both doing great. 8lbs 1.9oz and 22 inches.
• A has decided to hit the "terrible 2's". I thought it was bad before. She's taken it to a whole new level. It tiring and frusterating and I hate the parent that I am most of the time. All I do is yell.
• Cozmo's upgrade should be available soon, very soon. I'm incredibly excited! Already talked with my rep. Supposedly, instead of a download of the software, they're actually just going to send out new pumps. Might pay the $99 to upgrade to the cool new green color!

Flying High

I've got issues, huge issues, not seeing anything in the 100's issues (expect the quick juant to 60 and back up again this morning).

I seriously don't know what's wrong. I've been in the 200's for at least a month now. CONSTANT 200s.

I'd been riding a beautiful average of about 114 last month, now. I've changed sites, thrown out insulin, increased basal (crap if I increase them anymore, I might as well load the whole damn bottle into my Cozmo).

This is ridiculous and its driving.me.insane.

Angry

I took my diagnosis in stride for the sake of my family, never allowing them to see me cry, even if I still wonder if it was all my fault. I had never allowed myself to fully express the anger I have about diabetes. How unfair life can be. Why I had to be the one with it. How much I hate testing, hate the days where my blood sugar is high, my mind a fog and all I want to do is go to sleep. Angry when my life is interrupted because this thing is beeping at me, telling me its time to test, time to change a battery, time to refill the insulin if I want to live for another 3 days. Angry, that I have to be attached to a machine like RoboGirl (even though I wouldn't give up my mechanical pancreas for all the Lantus in the world.)

Angry because my disease interfers not just with my life, but those around me. Times when sites have failed and I have insulin, but no needle with me and now we have to stop what we were doing and go home. Moments when my sugar plummets and locating anything with sugar is now priority #1. When my moods are dictated by what the stupid numbers on a meter say and how my mouth will lash out at those I love most when those numbers are high.

3 years ago I found a group of pregnant women with T1. I couldn't believe that there were so many people out there dealing with the same issues, same anger. I wanted to meet each and everyone (and did meet a bunch , including Kassie!) and suddenly I felt better about this disease, less alone. I could voice my anger and there were people who actually understood. People who wouldn't roll their eyes and say "your sugar must be high" when I voiced any negativity.

Then one year ago, this month, I started this blog, not knowing that there was a whole D Community out there (thanks again Kassie!). My days were suddenly filled with people who understood this whole "life". I didn't have to wait for an email to arrive. I could surf around and read and understand the daily struggles of everyone out there. Without you all, I'd still be hiding the anger of my disease, keeping it shoved beneath the surface, boiling. I'd still be alone and silently scared. I realize now, even though it truly is a small world, its nice to belong somewhere and I'm suddenly less angry.

I can live with this AND enjoy life, because you do.

I can do whatever I want, because you have.

Diabetes won't limit me, because you refuse to let it limit you.

and

I can be angry when I need to be, because you are always there, to listen, to understand and to let me be angry.

Freaking Out

I did it. I broke down and tested A's blood sugar for the 1st time.

I picked her up from daycare with this as the day's report:
"She drank a HUGE amount of water today. She CONSTANTLY wanted water, which of course meant she had really wet diapers. Oh ya, and she ate a TON today, she was constantly asking for food".

To a "normal" mother of my daughter this would be a GREAT day!! Holy cow, she drank AND ate in 1 day!!!! Amazing!

Me, my heart sank and fear overtook me like none I've ever had. Raced home and tested.

118. I'm still not relieved. So dear readers, on a 2 yr old, with no idea when or what she last ate, is this okay?

Project: Screw Sleep

Data Log - Day 7

Sleep still nowhere to be found.

Sheets covered in cat hairball - 8pm. Lying on mattress.

Out of the blue high reading 8:30pm. Bolus. Still high at 9:45pm (5 points HIGHER to be exact). Another F&^%ing bad quickset site. New site, Rage bolus and low at 12am.

Lie on couch for 2 hours. Sleep for 1.

Lie in bed for 3 hours, sleep for 15 minutes.

Getting crankier by the minute. Want out.

I'm either taking Tylenol PM tonight, or just cracking myself in the head with a sledgehammer.

MIA and WTF?

Ok, so I kindof fell off the face of the earth after last week's pre-Endo visit post.  Sorry about that.  Everything went swimmingly, I'm right on track with where I want to be and I left smiling (which I always do when I meet with her!).  As for why I went MIA.  No idea.  Haven't been very chatty-kathy lately.

For the WTF? - I love reading all the D-bloggers out that, but I've been noticing, there's an inordinately LARGE number of D bloggers within the NorthEast and more specifically right around the MA/CT/RI area.  Is D more prevalent here?  Are we just a more vocal, techie group?

Has anyone else noticed this? (and not sure what my profile says, but that area includes me).  I remember mentioning once to my Endo that I when I was dx'd I found out that there were 5 other kids with D at my high school (1 being a pretty good friend) and 1 more was dx'd a few weeks after me.  That's 7 kids out of probably 800.  Is it just me, or is that astronomically high?

Endo visit

I've got an endo visit this afternoon.  I'm both excited and scared.  Excited because I absolutely LOVE my endo!!!!!  She is amazing, caring and takes tons of time with me (most visits last well over an hour with her).

Scared because since my latest battles with the dreaded Quicksets, I've been somewhat avoiding testing.

I don't handle highs very well.  I see them as tiny examples of how I'm failing and I.HATE.FAILING. 

Didn't help that I also ran out of strips at work yesterday morning.  Didn't see that the new ones had been delivered sometime last night, so there's a huge gaping hole for the past 24 hrs.

I'm also scared because I'm not sure what's going on with my depression.  Most days I really am OK, but then something comes along and I instantly spiral downwards, and that's what scares me, how quickly I can spiral.  The current spiral is over finances, or lack thereof.  I should be proud of DH and myself,  we chopped $110/month off of our expenses, and that was without feeling any pain.  Instead, I'm stuck focusing on what an utter failure I feel like since I apparently can't balance a checkbook any better then A could.  I'm afraid that I need my happy pills again.

I DON'T WANT TO NEED ANOTHER DAMN MEDICATION!!!!!

I'm also excited because I'm working towards getting the go ahead to start trying to conceive again - which also scares me to the bone, and does not lend well to the current finance spiral of hell ;) and I see each appt as one step closer.

I didn't have a lab slip to get another A1C drawn, so I'll have to wait on that.  Hoping that I've pulled my act together enough to see a nice shiney, low 7.  Goal is 6.5 or lower by Nov.

I've printed out my charts (all 17 pages - yes I'm a little OCD about it), I've mentally prepared myself for the scale (that's a whole other post) and I'm getting quite excited.

Quickset Help!!!

I don't know what in the hell I'm doing wrong, but I'm going through Quicksets like their ice cream melting in the sun.

Seriously, I love these sets when they work. I love that they actually stick to me without 3 IV3000's stuck all over.

Lately though....geez. On Saturday I changed my site. I was unexplainably in the 300's so figured I'd change her out a day early.

1st attempt - sticker folded up inside the serter. Looked almost as if the sticker had a larger circumfrence then the serter. Took a while, along with a few swears to get it out. Along with a little mopping of blood from the needle skipping over my skin.

2nd attempt - Same.Fucking.Thing. Clean serter with some goo be gone. Stomach now looks like I got into it with Freddy Kruger.



3rd attempt - goes in fine. Rage bolus BIG TIME. NO regard for insulin on board or correction ratios. I dial in enough to sink Titanic. 2 hours later, I've dropped a whopping 15 points. Rip site out only to realize it was a gusher. Lovely.

4th attempt - good to go. Bottom out at 2am and again at 6am. Thankfully I planned ahead and had a banana waiting by my bed.

Fast forward to today.

I put in a new site about an hour before supper. Eat 1/2 what I was planning on, but had already bolused for full amount. Sit around and wait for the inevitable low. 3 hours later and I'm still waiting (and not testing like a freakin moron). Finally test...404..What.the.fuck! Pull site out and put new one in. Rage bolus with a vegence. 5 units in and I've got a blockage. Another gusher. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I've gone back to my softsets and again look like an IV patient gone mad with IV3000's. I'm too angry to try another quickset at the moment.

So....What am I doing wrong?!!!!!

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

I did just that. In 2003, I ramped up my D care in preparation for my pregnancy with A. I started testing close to 20x a day. Alarms going off every hour or 2 reminding me to test. Meticulous carb counting, complex excel charts, weekly endo emails. No winging it, no guesstimates. I was going to be between 80 and 120 if it killed me. It was intense to say the least and it lasted for almost 18 months (9 months pre-pregnancy, 9 months pregnant). And then I came to the end (the second end - don't even ask about the 1st end - failed induction, OB sending me home from the hospital, telling me we'll try again in a week. "Try again....IN A WEEK!!!!" GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER STARTING MY MATERNITY LEAVE - no I'm not bitter.....)

Anyway, so I came to the end. A was born by scehduled C-section on Nov 2 and I stopped. I stopped testing, I stopped carb counting, I started guestimated EVERYTHING, and it showed. A1c went from 5's where I had been through most of my preg to over 8.

I'm back at the beginning again. Alarms have all been reprogrammed. Fingers look like little minefields. I've got a new, shiney excel sheet (thank you Kevin!) and I'm falling back into my regime, almost as if I had never left.

I spent Friday emailing my endo and we've laid out a plan.

Everything's falling into place. I just hope that when I come the the end this time, I don't stop.

Extended Test

Well I did a 2.5hr extended (not combo) bolus at lunch.

Lunch - 192
2 hrs - 91
4 hours - 141.....better.

Guess we'll just keep playing. On deck for tomorrow at breakfast:

Combo bolus - 35% upfront, rest spread over 3 hrs.