Vanishing Friends

My life is almost completely lived on the internet. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed. As such most of the people that I would consider some of my "best" friends, I know solely online. They are a screen name and if I'm lucky a photo. Some I've been "talking" with for 5+ years. They know things about that no else does. We've celebrated, we've cried, we've always been there.

Having internet friends is an amazing facet of this digitized world. People I would have never met before are suddenly available 100% of the time. If I have a problem - I write it, post it, and suddenly I've got advise from people with different backgrounds, different perspectives, different attitudes. On the net, oil and water can mix.

Internet friendships have a very serious downfall though. People disappear with no way to track them down. You wonder, you worry, there's nothing you can do. There's no door to knock on, no phone to call. You're left wondering if something in the friendship went wrong. What did you say? What did you not say? Are they ok? Did something horrible happen? You may never know.

There's also times when you want to be able to reach out and hug a friend whose life has taken a horrible turn. To be there, to support them, to touch them. Words on a screen can never replace the power of a hug. Words are not enough at those times, yet that is what you are left with. "I'm sorry" looks empty, blank, vacant on the screen.

Blecky Blahs...

I've been suffering from the meanest case of the blahs lately. The house isn't selling. We're in a perpetual holding pattern. I haven't bothered to look at houses, since what's the use. The market is so horrible, I doubt ours will ever sell. No sense in drooling over what will never be.

I'm also suffering from "Everything we own is in fucking storage" syndrome.

Wanna make cinnamon buns? - sorry rolling pin's in storage

Make some nice pulled pork for sandwiches? - Crockpot = storage

Let Ally play with any of the 13 bazillion toys we bought her last yr. - no problemo!...after a short ride and an hour or two of searching through miscellaneous boxes.

"Ugh....Sigh...Blech" Its been my moto lately and I can't shake it. I hate when I get this way. I've tried new hobbies. They mess the house up, and oh, ya there's no where to store them, that doesn't make the house look cluttered, which makes selling the house that much more difficult. How is it OUR luck, that we decide to sell, gussy the house up, get it on the market and no lie, 2 weeks later, report after report after report are released outlining the dismal state of the housing market. Grrrrr-fucking-eat!

The monotonousness (is that a word?) of each day is getting to me. Wake, wash, dress, eat, work, home, cook, eat, bed, rinse, lather, repeat until I want to run screaming from the hills. I need to shake things up, but I have no idea how.

Hoping for a Nano

Enter for a chance to win a Nano iPod for Mother's Day.

Fat Rant - Joy Nash

I need her confidence, her beauty, her radiance. What an amazing attitude!

I try so hard to hide it...

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

You will sink in a mire. You like to think you're normal, but deep down you really just want to strip off your clothes and roll around in chicken fat.
Take this quiz!

Anger Management

The current award for "Most Bizarre Google Search Leading to My Blog":

"elmo's slicing their throat"

This post of mine came up as the #5 hit. Be afraid, be very, very afraid.

I don't even want to hazard a guess as to what this person was actually looking for.

Hold tight

I'm not even sure words can express my anger and utter heartache right now. An internet friend lost her sweet, little girl Sunday night, suddenly, unexpectedly. I can't even imagine what her life is like at the moment.

I find I don't even want to try to imagine.
The thought is too numbing.

Please, hug your children today. Find the good through all the bad. Cherish every laugh, smile, word. Tuck them in, kiss them, hug them. Tomorrow may never come.

Questions from julia

1. What does blogging do for you?
When I started I didn't think it would "do" anything for me. I thought that I was funny and that people would trip over one another to read my blog (ok kidding). I was really just looking for a way to write about Ally so that I'd have some sort of record of her life (her baby book is dismally empty). Then I found the OC and the blog changed direction. It allowed me to open up my frustrations regarding T1 to a group that understood. It also lead to better A1c's, my 1st ever participation in "the walk" and a better appreciation of myself as a person with T1.

I desperately NEED to get back to blogging. In retrospect, blogging was therapeutic. I let life get in the way, though. I was busy helping to get the forum up and running and before I knew it months passed and I hadn't said a word. Its funny how something that came so naturally for so long was quickly gone. I find myself starting post after post, but failing to write anything of merit, I'd just delete it.

I need to come back.


2. Do you have any tattoos? If so, what of and what do
they represent? If not, would you?
No tattoos. WAY.TOO.PERMANENT. I couldn't do it. I have trouble enjoying something for a week, never mind the rest of my life. If I did get one, I'm not really sure what it would be. I'm corny enough to get a small Mickey Mouse (I was going to marry him when I was 3) or maybe a small Kermit the Frog, hidden on my shoulder or the small of my back. Wish I had some profound, earth-shattering symbol, but nope.

3. If you could live anywhere else in the world,
where would that be?

As much as I gripe about Winter, I don't think I would enjoy an area without 4 seasons. I'd want to say somewhere romantic like Paris or Rome, but honestly, outside of Canada, I've never left the US, so I have no idea if I'd truly be happy there.

I LOVED Alaska, but there's no way I could handle the winters or the hummingbird sized mosquitoes. Maybe Australia? But again, with the whole, I've never even been there.

Probably makes me boring but I really do LOVE the area I'm in. Do I love exactly where my house is, not really. I want to move to the "fringe" rural areas, maybe outer Westfield, Southwick, Southampton or Granby. Somewhere were I could feel secluded, but have every major convenience within a 20 minute drive.

4. Name five celebrities you'd like to invite over
for dinner - they all have to come at the same time.
And what would you serve them?

Oh, boy
1) Angelina Jolie - I think she can be beyond bizarre, but I love the "activist" in her. I think she could inspire me to get involved.
2) Kirstie Alley - Anyone who can be that open about their weight (whether they initially wanted to or not) AND wear a bikini on Oprah is worth my time.

Going to step out of reality with the next two.

3) Walt Disney and 4) Jim Henson - I truly believe these men were "in it" only for the pure satisfaction of entertaining children and making the world a better place. Maybe my rose colored glasses are a little too dark, but I want to meet them to find out.

5) Clive Owen - purely for the eye candy ;)

What would I serve? Hmmm. I've never been a "formal, sit down" kind of girl. I'm thinking an outdoor "lobster boil" at night. Lobsters and steamers, grilled salmon and sea scallops. Grilled corn on the cob, zucchini, portobello mushrooms, eggplant, tomatoes, leeks and peppers. Sliced potatoes with onions, cole slaw (oh, great I'm hungry now). For dessert, homemade vanilla, chocolate banana or chocolate peanut better ice creams and then s'mores.

5. What's your favourite thing to do on a rainy day?
With kids and without kids.

By myself - snuggle up with a good book and just let the day lazily pass by. If its summer and a good thunderstorm, I LOVE sitting out on the porch at our cottage watching it.

With Ally - I have to admit, I absolutely LOVE lying in bed with her watching a movie. After that though, I'd have to get out of the house and head somewhere, anywhere, which generally means the Mall or Yankee Candle.

Taken from Kassie

THE SEVEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE (not necessarily in this order)
1. Cruise the Greek Isles
2. See my kids into adulthood
3. Improve my photography skills
4. Sell a portrait that I've taken
5. Become "untethered"
6. Quit my job
7. Live on a horse farm (I have no idea why, but I REALLY want to live on a farm).

SEVEN THINGS I CANNOT DO
1. Clean
2. Write Poetry
3. Be Mean for the sake of it
4. Apparently keep up with this blog
5. Quit my job
6. Cook if the kitchen is a mess
7. Wear heels - unlike Kassie, I could careless about height, I just can't walk in them :)

SEVEN THINGS THAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE OTHERS (in no particular order)
1. Humor
2. Kindness
3. Patience
4. Honesty
5. Being able to laugh at themself
6. Loving
7. Nice looking arms ;)

SEVEN THINGS I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO SAY
1. "What the..........!!!!!!!!!!"
2. "Crapity"
3. "Pick that up! Now!"
4. "What's the Rule Ally? No picking and no...?"
5. "Crappity, crap-crap" (do you see a theme here?)
6. "WHATcha doooo-in?"

SEVEN BOOKS I'VE READ AND RECOMMEND TO OTHERS

1. Dances with Wolves - Michael Blake
2. The Oxbow Incident - Walter Van Tilburg Clark
3. Pudd'nhead Wilson - Mark Twain
4. A Passage to India - E.M. Forster
5. Eyes of the Dragon - Stephen King
6.I.am.so.pathetic Those are all books I've read YEARS ago, but the only ones I can remember REALLY loving.
7.

SEVEN FAVORITE MOVIES (no particular order)
1. Mr. & Mrs. Smith (so bad, yet soooooooooooooo good!)
2. The Princess Bride
3. Chitty-Chitty, Bang-Bang
4. Auntie Mame (with Rosalind Russel)
5. The Last Unicorn
6. Turner & Hooch
7. Muppets Christmas Carol / Grinch / Rudolph

......And I'm Back!

Things have been incredibly busy here at Casa de Sarah.

Like I've said, I've been helping set up a new Mommy Forum called Mommy-Zone and can I just say that it ROCKS!!! We're really taking off to. Over 600 members and the site's been live for only a week now. Its been a lot of work though, and still more to come.

On the D front, I got my a1c back - 7.2% Not as great as I'd like, but still better then I've ever done none pg. I owe that all to the D blog world! Seriously, before I started this blog, 8% was my "normal". Since blogging, <7.5% has been my "normal". Sure some could say that its the residual pregnancy regime that's still with me. I can honestly say "uh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" to that one! I fell so hard and so fast from the preg regime that I'm pretty sure if someone had done an A1c during the 1st 9 months after Ally, I'd have been in the 10's%.

Nope, my D control can be 100% linked to the community here. You all inspire to keep on top of things, to test and just to be "aware" of my D.

I thank you for that!

Been gone for so long!

Whew, just realized that I've been completely neglecting this blog. Shame on me!

I've been up to my armpits in phpBB. I'm helping to set up a forum and am the "technical" person. Scary thought. Actually it all seems very straightforward, but still new, so been doing tons of research.

Other then that, I'm getting the cold from hell. A's finished off her 10 day round of Augmentin and I'm pretty sure her ear is re-infecting as we speak, so it looks like tubes for her soon. I was actually afraid she had croup the other night. She "barked" once, but that seemed to be it.

Other then that, not much else to report here. Sorry for the incredibly boring post.

What me, stress??

Grampa still in hospital...

Possibility that my cousin has a cancerous tumor in her leg that the local Drs won't touch with a 10ft pool, so she has to wait until later this week to see a Dr in Boston...

2 yr old another possible ear infection + really mucousy, wet cough. Thoughts of the pneumonia that is spreading like wildfire through the kids around here...

Dishwasher full of water. Water not leaving. FIL coming over tomorrow to look. Possibilities - clogged hose (doubtful, we already looked). Crapped out solenoid which opens the drain (sounding like the winner), something else?...Chance of FIL trying to fix solenoid of dishwasher that is louder then an F-7, instead of just letting us buy a damn new one that will be QUIET - close to 100%

Dishes covering ever square inch of the kitchen because of said water issue.

Me, I'm feeling a tad frayed, a little buzzy, slightly fuzzy. Wait, crap, I better test.

534

I can't catch a freaking break.

I.WANT.A.DEXCOM

Prayers and Positive Thoughts Requested

My grandfather had triple by-pass surgery done about a week ago. I didn't write about it, but at the time it was a shock. He had gone to the hospital with chest pains. The smaller hospital here decided that he needed angioplasty and sent him to the larger hospital. Turns out it was much, MUCH worse and he actually needed quadruple bypass.

During the surgery, it was decided that because of his age and the increased chance of stroke, they only bypassed 3.

He had been doing AMAZINGLY well. So much so he was transferred out of Cardiac ICU days before schedule, and was actually transferred back to the smaller hospital earlier this week for some rehab before being sent home.

We've just gotten a call that he is being rushed back to the larger hospital. That he may have pneumonia and that "something may have come loose". I know so little right now that I'm going crazy and trying not to cry at my desk is requiring me to hold my breath.

Please pray for my grandfather.

But I'm not dead yet!

I'm very, very close to it though.

My body has be ransacked. It all started on a fateful Sunday. You see A, A decided that she was going to reinfect her right ear and not wanting the other to feel left out, allowed the infection to spread across her skull to the other side too. This of course all happened AFTER the Ped's after hours. Nurse on call said to use "Olive oil drops" Ya, right

Sunday morning we were at the Ped's FOR.AN.HOUR. at which point I must've picked up Black Death. It started Sunday night.

Now I had already resigned myself that I would be using one of my 4, yes 4! sick days on Monday to care for Ally, little did I know that 2 more would be tacking themselves on. Lets just say I made frequent trips to the ladies Room.

Monday morning, I sent DH on his way, plopped Ally in front of the tv and crawled onto the couch. By 11:30am, I had DH heading home because I was now incapable of caring for anything more demanding then a pet rock.

Tuesday was no better. Wednesday I dragged my sorry self to work, which was a mistake. Thursday I was pretty sure my stomach was attempting to eat itself and today, well, today I've been hit by a Mac Truck, but I think I'll live.

I had a stomach bug AND the flu. TOGETHER. AT.THE.SAME.TIME Fever, chills, aches and pains, trips to the Ladies Room, coughing, sneezing (which caused gagging), running nose, lord help me! Calgon, could not take that away.

I think I'm on the downside now. I pray I'm on the downside now, because honestly, I can't go on like this much more.

Oh, ya puking + constant low blood sugar = NOT FUN

Grading the Mom

I often obsess wonder if I am somehow failing A in our "teaching" of her.

Should I be buying DVD's that claim to have her reading by 3? Should I be worried that every color is purple right now and ABC's and counting to 5 only occur if she's repeating what I say? That I'm not even sure if she has the concept of shapes, never mind the names? That she prefers a good, cuddle-time "rocka" (rocking) to a bedtime story and that I oblige her with it. Should I really be forcing the 1 millionth reiteration of Good Night Moon instead?

Each day I read posts by mom's who guise their brags in the form of an "Is this normal?" post.

My child can draw circles, squares and elephants,recite the alphabet, knows all his colors in English, Spanish and French, including chartreuse. He's 14 months old. Is this normal?"

Well, crap if it is, then my daughter is destined to be featured on Dirty Jobs.

Am I missing something, here? My daughter plays, says "No" relentlessly often and picks her nose. She chases the cats and purposely falls off the couch. She hits herself, then asks for a kiss for the boo-boo. She cooks with every piece of Tupperware I own and eats "doc ducks" (hot dogs). She colors, sometimes even in her coloring books, and cares for her baby's by stealing all of their "dubbys"(pacifiers)for her own personal use.

Should I be grilling my daughter each night after work with flashcards and electric shocks? Isn't Sesame Street enough? Cause really, if I'm watching all this Elmo for no reason, I'm turning Mr. and Mrs. Smith back on. There's a life lesson for A. Women can be beautiful, rich AND hired assassins, just like men.

Honestly its the bigger concepts we're trying to teach A. Things like emptying the dishwasher and washing the car. Laundry will have to wait until she's a little taller older. These are the important lessons. Cause really, why have children if not for the free labor?

Let them eat......Bread!

Yum! Yum! And so darn easy!



Oh, the smell, the wonderful smell!



Crispy crust, airy texture....drool

I'm a moron

I've been freaking out. My counter has registered 0 hits for 2 days now. I suddenly thought that everyone hated me. I couldn't believe the speed at which I went back to that shy girl in High School who thought nobody cared about what she said.

Um, ya...No Sarah! Heck you got comments yesterday! That should have tipped me off.

I forgot to put the meters back up on the new template. Oopsie. They're back. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled mania over whether my daily hits stay around my average daily hits...LOL

New Low

I don't know if its the end of the year blahs, my depression returning, or just my plain, deep-seated annoyance and hatred of work, but I actually went out to lunch and ate by myself today. It was LIBERATING (if not a little bit embarrassing).

I've seen others eat by them self, never giving it another thought, but usually they have a newspaper, book or work with them. Not me! I just sat there, me, myself and I.

A lump on a log, loser, but you know what? It sure as hell beat staying at work!

This morning I had the grand pleasure of cleaning out the fridges at work. NOT.PLEASANT There was a horrid smell that would penetrate the entire kitchen every time one of the doors would open. I found:
1) a bottle of cream which expired Nov 2.
2) Salad which had lost its solid form and was now a liquefied bag of green jelly.
3) a petrified donut
4) Beef and Broccoli, only it wasn't the broccoli that was green (it had taken on a lovely poop brown color). I'm pretty sure it was alive and pissed at me.

The scent was so horrid I came dangerously close to adding my own "personal" blend to the mix. Nasty, and I shouldn't have had to deal with it, but I did, just like I do with everything else.

Messing Around

I'm updating my template, so please excuse the mess. Hoping to piece everything back together this afternoon.

Can anyone tell my why my stupid bloglines roll isn't working?

Merry Christmas!!

Since I can't possibly send each and every one of my cyber-friends a Christmas Card, I'll just post it here for all to enjoy!

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Happy Kwanza
Merry Festivus

Whatever you celebrate (or not) I hope that you have a great weekend and a wonderful Monday!

Christmas Card 2006, originally uploaded by floreksa.