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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Am I worth it?

I'm gonna get serious here for a moment. I've been told that I'll be more successful if I actual write stuff down.

So I've re-re-re-re-re-started Weight Watchers again. This time I'm doing core (which I really love by the way). Tuesday at our meeting, the leader had us focus on "Empowering Beliefs". Basically:
1) Is my goal desirable and worth it?
2) Do I believe I'm capable of acheiving my goal?
3) Am I worthy of acheiving that goal?

Ok, I've got no issues with #1. That's easy. My goal isn't even sooo much a weight goal (although I'd love to weigh 170 again), its a "I want to be able to walk into ANY store and be able to try on clothes"(within reason. Hey,I'll never be able to stroll into a petite shop and try stuff on..I'm anything but petite, and dieting ain't gonna change that!). I don't want to have to ever step foot into a Lane Bryant or Avenue again because I'm forced to by lack of other option. I mean, if I see something in there that I like..Fine, but being forced there, NOPE. So my goal is to fit into 12-14's.(OH, I also want a regular sized bath towel to fit ALL the way around me, but hey, I'm not actually going to admit that out loud, and don't tell anyone I told you that one...ok?)Very desirable goals, very "worth it" to me. These are things I dream about everytime I step foot into the mall (which I don't do often, since it depresses me...Maybe I should go more often as motivation?)

Ok, #2 - Do I believe I'm capable? Here, I'm a little less confident. Can I do it? I do it? Well technically - yes! Have I ever done it before - no. And that scares me. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself because its almost like I'm afraid that I will not be able to do it, and then I've failed, so if I don't try, its not like I actually F-A-I-L-E-D. I just didn't try. I don't handle failure well and honestly, I've never failed anything in my life (even that grad-level statistics course, according to UMASS, that D-....still passing!!). I've got to learn to stop letting my head battle itself. This is NOT one huge ultimate life "pass/fail" test. I look at the end and think OMG, I'm never going to get there. Its never going to happen. I have to stop thinking that way, and just think about today, and just next week's weigh-in. Celebrate each loss and learn from each gain.

And finally #3: Do I think I'm worthy of achieving this goal? - Hmmmmmm, Well deep down I know I am, but I have a tendency to put myself off, to make others happy. I don't even know how to verbalize what I do. Dh want's to go out to eat, "Okay" - not because I want to, not because I think I'll be able to navigate the tricky world of restaurant dining without screwing up, but "Okay" because it will make him happy. To bad, that I'll be either miserable with my choice at the joint because its either a tasteless, expensive piece of crap, or I ate horribly (there I go again, with the pass/fail, I can't compromise - its either eat like a rabbit, or go hog wild). I dunno, maybe that's not even an "am I worth it?" issue and still back to the "Can I achieve it?"...Ugh.

Ok, that was a lot of soul searching...Waaaay to deep. Anyone who made it through all of that, I applaud you, and hey give me a shout out if you can relate. Its really quiet here, talking to myself!!